The 60/40 Rule in Relationships
Over the past few years, I’ve discovered a "rule" that has transformed my closest relationships—whether in intimate partnerships, business collaborations, or other forms of shared effort. I call it the 60/40 Rule.
The essence of this rule is simple: what feels like 60/40 (you doing 60%) is often closer to 50/50.
Let me explain.
Imagine you’re in a partnership, sharing daily tasks like household chores. Some days, it feels like you’re doing more than your fair share. In those moments, it’s tempting to point out where the other person is falling short—or to skip your part, thinking, It’s not my turn this time.
When we feel this way, we often believe we’re right. But in my experience, especially in my love partnership, there’s usually a lot my partner is doing for me—and for us—that I simply don’t notice. I’ve realized I’m biased toward seeing my own contributions much more clearly than theirs.
And I don’t think I’m alone in this.
Does this sound familiar?
The Problem with Keeping Score
When I’ve felt like I’m doing more than my share and called it out, especially in moments of irritation, it hasn’t gone well. It is often being met with a pushback that highlights things my partner has been doing—things I didn’t notice or fully appreciate. Suddenly, my internal "math" doesn’t seem so accurate.
Even more fascinating? When I’ve felt like I’m carrying more of the load, my partner has often felt the exact same way. Why? Because we both naturally notice our own efforts more than the other’s.
This leads to a simple truth: when we aim for 50/50, we both feel like we’re losing.
The 60/40 Rule: A Mindset Shift
This is where the 60/40 Rule comes in.
I’ve learned to assume that when it feels like I’m contributing 60%, it’s actually closer to 50%. I now aim for 60/40—deliberately doing just a little more than what feels "fair." And here’s the magic: this mindset shift creates a healthier, happier dynamic.
When you do that little extra—unload the dishwasher one more time, or take on an additional task at work—you start a positive spiral. The same principle applies in intimate relationships, business partnerships and friendships. That extra effort infuses the relationship with generosity and goodwill.
If your partner or collaborator also adopts this mindset, the effect is exponential. But here’s the best part: the 60/40 Rule works even if only one person starts applying it. Healthy relationships thrive on reciprocity, and when someone gives generously—without expectation—it inspires the other person to give back.
Why This Works
When we both aim for 60/40, we create an environment where both people feel seen, valued, and cared for. Instead of keeping score, we focus on giving. The result? A relationship that feels more generous, joyful, and abundant.
The catch? If you’re addicted to relational drama or the friction that comes from constant complaints and conflict, this rule will challenge you. It asks you to let go of those habits and choose something better.
So, the question becomes: do you want to stay in low-frequency quarrels, or are you ready to experience relationships that feel generous, loving, and expansive?
If you’re ready for the latter, I strongly encourage you to try the 60/40 Rule.
A Few Practical Tips
Not Everything Is 50/50. Some responsibilities may naturally fall unequally. That’s okay. The 60/40 Rule can still apply—just aim to do a little more than your perceived share.
Check In When Needed. If it consistently feels like you’re doing far more than 10% extra, it’s worth having an open conversation. This could reveal overlooked contributions or highlight a need to realign responsibilities.
Choose the Right Relationships. When possible, build relationships with people who are equally willing to give and receive. Life is much more fulfilling when generosity flows both ways.
Recognize the Bigger Picture. If your partner or collaborator isn’t pulling their weight, consider the context. Are they dealing with work stress, health challenges, or other pressures? In these moments, your extra effort can tip the balance toward love and connection rather than resentment and conflict.
The Power of Generosity
Ultimately, the 60/40 Rule isn’t just about tasks or fairness—it’s about the kind of energy you bring into your relationships. By giving just a little more than you think is "fair," you create space for deeper connection, unexpected kindness, and mutual support.
Try it out. Start today. And notice how your relationships begin to transform.
Let me know how it works for you!
